#a spec doumeki

[koushirouizumi]

"God told me that if I had any wishes, that they would grant just one." - Kobato {Kobato}

"...I... I still... haven't granted it. ... Your wish... I promised... ...that I'd grant it... ...I promised..." - Kimihiro to Yuuko {Holic}

"I answered that I wanted to live." - Kobato {Kobato}

"I'll do whatever I can because I want to be here." - Kimihiro {Holic}

"What is happiness {/to you}?" - {Chobits}; Dark Chii {as Red 'Atashi'} to Chii {Pink 'Atashi'} {Card Captor Sakura: Clear Card Arc}; Lilie Shinomoto to Sakura {Sakura relating this to a canon Non-human Character}

"My wish is for you to go on existing. That's ALL I want." - Yuuko to Kimihiro {Holic}

"But the one Tsuyuri {Kohane} cares about most is YOU." - Doumeki to Kimihiro {Holic}

"{Doumeki} didn't want {YOU} to vanish forever." - Yuuko to Kimihiro; on Doumeki {Holic}

"To be happy... that's a rather vague goal, don't you think?" "{YES}, but that's what makes it {interesting}. All the more interesting... in that most people would consider it {IMPOSSIBLE}." "{Impossible}. How so?" "Well, you need a {life}... a {soul}. And if you're not alive... If you don't have a {soul}... what then? Then happiness is just a story... in a fairy tale book." - Zima to Dita; {Chobits}

"Even if a {combination}/{of two [or more] people} Looks a bit 'odd' on the outside... They can still be happy on the inside." - Ichiro Mihara {Angelic Layer} x {Chobits}, to Chitose Hibiya (later Chitose Mihara {Kobato})

"The greatest happiness for me is to let the person I most like have the most happiness." - Tomoyo; {about Sakura} {Card Captor Sakura}

"One day a man had a dream. He dreamed that he was a butterfly. He fluttered and fluttered, flew and flew. He so loved the feeling of freedom… That he decided that he was a butterfly. But when he woke up, he wasn’t a butterfly. He was a human after all. Then the man thought… “I wonder if I, The Man, dreamed that I was a butterfly… Or if this moment is truly the dream. Maybe the man I am now is a dream that a butterfly is having"" - Haruka Doumeki, who primarily communicates to Watanuki through dreams; relating a story, about dreams {Holic}

"Some things are worth caring about." - Doumeki to Kimihiro {Holic} {Heavily implied to be about Watanuki}

"{Yuuko said} 'at this rate', {Watanuki would} 'disappear'" - Implied by Doumeki {Holic}

"I don't love Chii because 'I wanted' to 'make love' to {Chii}.

'I wanted' to 'make love' to {have sex with} Chii because I LOVE {CHII}." - Hideki Motosuwa, on Chii {Chobits}

"Chii Persocom." "Yeah" "Chii is not human." "Yeah"

"Can't do SOME things. ..." {Implied as: 'Have sex with'}

"YEAH." - Hideki; - Chii to Hideki {Chobits}

"Happiness... That is..." - Someone Just For Me {Chobits} (Storybook)

"Maybe the man I am now is a dream that a BUTTERFLY is having"

"Because if we can all find that special person{/people}, then the world would be a happy place. The love that we all feel may not be the SAME, but it won’t matter if it’s the ‘someone just for you’." - C.L.A.M.P {Chobits}

"Happiness doesn't just come in one shape." - Ichiro Mihara {Angelic Layer} x {Chobits}, implied relevant to Ichiro and Chitose Hibiya (later Chitose Mihara {Kobato})

"I wanted to create, with {C.C.S}, a series with a girl who saw {MINORITIES} as normal. For example, Syaoran and Eriol are foreign exchange students, but to Sakura they’re the same as {people} who transferred in from a local school. Similarly, Sakura believes in all the forms of love {Sakura} sees. Towards the end {of C.C.S's 1st series} I had several characters give advice to a worried Sakura, showing that there are many kinds and forms of love. I wondered how the series would be received, since it ran in Nakayoshi, but it was received better than I expected. - Nanase Ohkawa (C.L.A.M.P) {x}

"Ohkawa: (…) I am glad that the readers are happy that Sakura and Syaoran got together, but that anyone would think it’s {just} because they make a normal {combination}/couple… it’s a little disconcerting. Sakura didn’t chose Syaoran because {Syaoran}'s a boy close to {Sakura} in age. If Syaoran had been a girl, if they had been far apart in age, as long as {Syaoran} was still Syaoran, I think Sakura would have fallen in love with {Syaoran}. It’d sadden me if you thought they’re a good {combination} because they’re 'normal'." - Nanase Ohkawa (C.L.A.M.P) {x}

"Normal? What’s normal? To only do what the masses do? And what is the benefit of that? Where is the problem in adopting a custom that is ‘abnormal’ if it has no negative affect on the world at large?" - Yuuko {Holic}

"I don't see anything wrong with being what everyone calls 'not normal'." - Yuuko to Watanuki {Holic}

-Observations made when rereading many C.LA.M.P Lores (To Be Re-Compiled, Someday)

Doumeki, probably:

"I don't love Watanuki because I wanted to 'have sex with' Watanuki."

"I wanted to 'make love' to Watanuki because I love Watanuki"

{AND IF WATANUKI EVER ISN'T FULLY 'HUMAN' ANYMORE?}

{Holic x Drug & Drop Cross-over} (Read panels right-to-left)

[twitteringnerdsneverfly]

The only Saezuru merch I saw in the BL section of the anime shop in Japan. And who tf have they paired Y with?! Is that Kageyama??? The dudes got specs. Where is Doumeki? 😭

[idiotfromindiana]

i didn’t want this to happen yet

it’s been a minute since i’ve read the whole series and i’m not following translation Discourse or anything, so please excuse any inaccuracies.

but yeah. chapter 25 was what we’ve waited the whole series for, but … weren’t you unsettled? this monkey’s paw of “oh you want them to fuck do you? you want to crush everything that yashiro thinks he is? cause that’s what it’ll take for that to happen. you want me to crush this man? how about a little side of post-traumatic stress with that, you want that too right?” SENSEI NO. NO I DONT.

but goddamn it’s a good story this way, ain’t it?

narratively it was ABSOLUTELY the right move because it raised so much more conflict than it resolved. it feels like people are so hung up on and excited about/by penetrative sex that they’re missing the part where it was like. really really uncomfortable. that was not a release of tension, y'all been tricked. the release came long before, with the resolution of doumeki’s impotence, those little expressions of affection, yashiro accepting (or at least allowing) emotional comfort. yashiro was already progressing as a character.

but this is saezuru and yashiro is allergic to progress, so he let himself be pushed beyond his limits. he’s not yet in a place to accept himself as a person deserving of doumeki-style affection, and sex was a bridge too far. for big d it may have had some meaning, but for yashiro sex has only ever been a tool for raw physical gratification, for social advancement, for self-flagellation, for survival. i have to wonder if yashiro is even ace spec and confusing his pathological refusal of romantic relationships (because he sees himself as unworthy) with a compulsion to make everything sexual in its stead. he is obviously broken. not that being a hypersexual being is in itself a bad thing, it’s not. but you have to maintain a certain amount of mental health, which. nah?

he’s already got it confused regarding the interplay between love (romantic or otherwise) and sex. in fact he thinks they are mutually exclusive. his stepdad obviously didn’t love him and all they did was fuck. kageyama was Too Good For Yashiro and loved yashiro anyway, but as a Straight was sexually untouchable. these two people from his youth probably informed how yashiro came to define love: the absence of sex.

i mean pretty much all his relationships can be classified as one or the other. yashiro loves nanahara, trusts him with his life, but doesn’t fuck him. still fucks ryuuzaki on occasion but you sure as hell can’t say he loves him. the relationship can shift between the two—i’m thinking misumi, who started as a sex relationship but became more a familial love—but never the two shall meet. sometimes it’s by choice (nanahara); sometimes by that sweet sweet pain of longing (kageyama).  [side note, because that’d be a whole other meta—how fucked up must yashiro be about this kuga thing like, every day of his life? we haven’t really come back around to it since the beginning but goddamn that’s my elephant in the room.]

[also can we?? take another detour real quick over to doushitemo in which shima says “i figured life was all about the things you can’t have.” well fuck me right up sensei, you done did it again.]

so then what the hell is big d to yashiro? by default he required the absence of sex, and he was sexually untouchable not for yashiro’s “flaws” but for his own. THAT was new and threw all kinds of wrenches into yashiro’s definitions. guys—this was only the second personal relationship in yashiro’s entire life that did not revolve around sex. and how fucking precious is doumeki as a human anyway? yashiro was getting there. this one. had. potential.

but adding sex to a love person—before the full understanding that he is capable of having them both, within the same person—it’s going to force yashiro to make a choice, because he thinks something has to get bumped. that is something else we’ve all seen coming. not just because it’s some stupid rule he has. we all know that in some ways yashiro has the highest self-esteem on the planet. in others, the very lowest. he put that ultimatum in place—if we fuck, you’re fired—to redirect low self-esteem anxieties into high self-esteem endeavors. i have a fucking job to do, rather than i am a trash human and undeserving. i mean we’ve probably all been there, at some point, right?

but this is how yashiro lives his whole fucking life. it was pounded into him so early on that it’s just his reality. he has managed to cope for what, 20 years, but big d is busting it all up with goddamn feelings ughh. being faced with actual romance, at this point, all it did was open up a real bad can of worms for yashiro, who has thus far made a living of stuffing down emotions. but maybe he was gunning for it to hurt. he is first and foremost a masochist, after all.

honestly i don’t even know what this says anymore or how much of it is circular or what but the point is i was like way less thrilled than everybody else seems to be at the sex chapter. i just want yashiro to be happy, but he is a self-destructive angst machine. and right now he isn’t healthy enough to mix sex and romance without setting it all on fire. i hope that this is his entry point into some honest self-examination? but seeing as he’s part of a world that requires concealment and suppression as an act of survival (not to mention he’s the protagonist in a drama?) … don’t expect too much.